Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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