Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
