we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
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I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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