look no pants
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
