I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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