Your mouth is God's brothel.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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