Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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