You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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