Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
