It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
