sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
