my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.