i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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