I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.