So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
