I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
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If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.