i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis