So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.