Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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