ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Someone signed my nipple.
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