my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
