i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
