pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
