I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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