I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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