Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
