My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
