Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
