You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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