I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
