Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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