if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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