Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
