At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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