just tell him i said nine months
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
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its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
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What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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