You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
