I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
