god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
