Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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