I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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