God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
