I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
