I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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