I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
