the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
