Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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