someone threw a dead crab at me
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
