id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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