My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
