saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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