When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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