my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
MIDGETS
????
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
