I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
