The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
