I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
