im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Small penises have feelings too.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
