I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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