You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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